I’ve been feeling very unmotivated recently. I don’t know if it’s the stress of upcoming exams, the thought of the looming unknown, or the fear of failing. It’s like my brain has temporarily shut down enjoyment for the things that used to keep me preoccupied: reading, writing,video making, cross-stitching…blogging.
I’ve started so many books and just left them there, waiting – something which would have really freaked me out in my younger years. ‘The Crisis of Unfinished Books’, I used to be irrationally terrified of leaving a book hanging (I still sort of am), even if I really wasn’t enjoying it. Just the thought that I may never get the opportunity to ever finish a particular book again in my life scared me, regardless of if it was the most boring or trivial book in the world. I guess it’s linked with my fear of death, the fear of leaving things unfinished, of not knowing. I used to convince myself that I might start enjoying X unfinished book if I carried on reading a little more, or that once I reached the conclusion I might have a different perspective. I still remember the first ever book I never finished, ‘War Horse’ by Michael Morpurgo. I’ve met him. Will I regret not finishing it? I barely remember what happens in it.
And although I’ve slightly come to terms with the fact that I will never get to read and finish everything, know everything, even do everything, it still pains me a little knowing I won’t, this small figment of my childhood fear digging at me, not leaving me alone. I’m scared. I’m scared of ‘The Crisis of Unfinished Books’. And this recent bout of unmotivation has rekindled this fear.
I have had so many ideas weave in and out of my brain recently, post ideas, video ideas, plans, but I just can’t manage to get them done. I mentally plan how much I need to do and I’m already excited for my recent lightbulb of an idea when I realise I haven’t even touched on the first yet. And then it disappears. FLASH. Unmotivation.
Unfinished books, unstarted plans.
I’m sorry for this rambly post, I had to get all of my thoughts out of the way before the battle between the lack of activity on here and the abundance of ideas in my head got too much.
I appreciate if you’ve managed to read through this chaotic look into my head. Have any of you experienced anything similar?
Thanks for 60 WordPress followers. I can’t believe that many of you have read through my rambles and thoughts. I truly am grateful.